The Circle Most Leaders Never Build

Leadership is lonely. Not in the way people talk about it at conferences, with the polished version about tough decisions and the weight of responsibility. Lonely in the quieter, more persistent way where you realize that the higher you go, the fewer people you can actually talk to.

I learned this early. One of my first mentors described it this way: when you walk into a room as the leader, you are already carrying something the people around you are not. You have the authority to hire, to promote, to let someone go. That changes the dynamic before you even open your mouth. The people around you know it, even when they like you, even when the relationship feels easy.

I watched a peer try to solve this by drawing a clear line. When we go out for lunch, I am your friend. When we are in the office, I am your manager. It seemed logical. But one of their employees later said they never quite knew which person they were dealing with. The line that felt clear to the leader was invisible to the team.

That is not a failure of communication. It is the nature of the role. When someone can directly affect your livelihood, the relationship cannot be fully equal no matter how much warmth exists on both sides.

So where does that leave the leader?

Most of us figure it out as we go, and some of us carry it alone longer than we should.

Delicate Arch, Utah - Stephanie Ko

What I have been building lately is something I wish I had built earlier. A circle.

This is a small group of people I trust who are navigating similar terrain. They come from different industries and different backgrounds but are in a similar phase of their career. We meet over coffee or a video call. We talk through what we are navigating, and we celebrate each other's progress when something moves forward.

The difference between a circle and a group of friends is intention. The people in a circle are chosen deliberately, because they will challenge your thinking, not just support it. There is no conflict of interest, no politics, and nothing said in that room will show up in the next meeting.

A circle like this is irreplaceable. And it is also just one part of the support system every leader deserves.